Why Accepting an Apology is Harder Than It Looks

When you make a mistake at work, do you apologize? Many of you will say “yes”. It’s easier, after all, to move on if you admit that you messed up and simply say, “I’m sorry” to whoever your actions may have impacted.

Now here’s a possibly tougher question: Do you always accept an apology?

Well, of course, you may say. That’s what happens when someone apologizes. You are adult about it and say something like “It’s OK” or “It’s fine.”

But is it really?

Because the truth is, when you get smacked around by life, you want someone to blame. You want to hold someone responsible for whatever happened, for whatever hurt was caused.

Let’s say a co-worker apologizes to you for forgetting to forward you important information, and that caused you to make an error in a report to your boss. The erroneous report made the boss pretty unhappy, and you caught the brunt of that displeasure. Now, the co-worker is saying she is sorry for causing you problems.

In most situations like this at work when someone apologizes, we say “It’s OK” or “I understand” or at least grunt some kind of acceptance. But the truth is that you’d like to lash out at the colleague who caused you such problems, to say that the ass-chewing delivered to you by the boss was all her fault, and her actions were hurtful.

Hurtful? You may think that’s too strong a word. After all, she didn’t “hurt” you in the same way as would a friend or loved one might, but still, you feel the sting of her actions.

So, while you may say you forgive her -- and give the appearance of moving on -- the truth is that you’re nursing a grudge. You think about her behavior. She’s unorganized. She’s unprofessional. She’s immature. She’s selfish. All attributes that led to your problems, right?

You start to feel a little better. Your self-righteousness starts to blossom. It was all her fault. You never would have made such a mistake. You would never have been so sloppy.

By the time you have lunch with several other co-workers, you’ve worked up a head of steam. You share your righteous indignation with others over the unfairness of it all, how you had to take the blame for someone else’s poor performance.

While it may feel good in the short run to play the blame game, you’re really losing in the long run. Why? Because you’ve never stopped to consider your own part in all of this mess and how it can be avoided in the future. In other words, you’re dooming your career to experience these setbacks again and again.

Let’s look at the way you should really accept an apology:

• Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. You may discover that the person who made the mistake has been saddled with the work of two other people who were laid off. She has been struggling to keep up with the workload, and has little support from the manager. You come to understand that if you were in the same position, you might forget a thing or two.
• Fix the problem, not the blame. In evaluating what happened, you see that you could have double-checked the information and found the error before presenting the report to the boss. You decide that you need to build in some extra time to verify information, and give others a chance to weigh in to make sure no errors slip past you.
• See the outcome as good and bad. Yes, you got in trouble with the boss because of the error. That’s bad. On the other hand, you see that you need to be more diligent in double-checking information, that your process needs to be tweaked and improved. Such attention to quality will be a good work habit to develop and will positively impact your performance. That’s good.

The next time someone offers you an apology at work, stop for a minute and think about what’s really the best way to handle it. Instead of focusing on the “I’m right and you’re wrong” mentality, remember that no one is perfect. You have – and will – make mistakes in the future, and so will everyone else. It’s the ability to truly accept an apology and move on that will determine your future successes.

Have you ever had difficulty accepting – and moving on – after someone offered an apology? What’s the best way to get past your hurt or anger?




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Is Your Manager Setting You Up to Fail?

Recently I ran into a friend of mine who told me he's quitting his job and going back to school to become a registered nurse. I was a bit surprised: Quit a job in this economy? Take on more student loan debt?

When I asked him why he was leaving a job that he seemed to love the last time I spoke to him about a year ago, he told me that he was simply exhausted, both emotionally and mentally. The position that he had fought so hard to get had become an anvil around his neck.

Over cold drinks at a nearby cafe, he told me that the job he was leaving in no way, shape or form resembled the position he had accepted two years ago.

"We had two people leave, so I took on a lot of their stuff. Then, a third was laid off," he said. "I was given those duties in addition to what I was already doing."

While he said the boss often assured him that he would get some help, it never materialized. When he would remind the boss that he was being spread too thin and he worried about the quality of the product, the boss told him that better time management -- and better use of technology -- would solve the problem.

That's why a recent story about companies combining mid-level and lower-level jobs -- and then hiring someone at the junior level for a lower salary -- really struck a chord.

I have been hearing similar stories for a while: Companies laying off workers, then rehiring one person with what I call a "kitchen sink" job description to do the work of many.

Let me give you another example: A woman I have known professionally for years works for a company that has been bought and sold so many times she jokes that she's not even sure who she works for anymore. But under that humor is a lot of stress: In the last three years, at least five people have been laid off in her department, and each time she has been given their duties.

I asked her whether she's received additional compensation for her additional duties. She told me no. Instead, she's been continually reprimanded for missing deadlines and not meeting goals. I have to wonder why the company doesn't fire her for her "poor performance," but I suspect it's because they can pile on the work -- and keep those notes critical of her performance in her personnel file to drag out when she wants to discuss more money.

(You may think this woman should have bailed on this job a long time ago, but because of her personal circumstances, she needed to stay in the position and try and make it work.)

I just don't get it. Why would companies set employees up to fail? If they hire lower-level workers, pile on the work until they break, then what's the point? They may have saved some money in the beginning, but it takes time and money to recruit and train a new body, so it seems that's pretty short-sighted.

At the same time, how can you ever make a good hire if you're using job descriptions that are laundry lists of so many disparate duties that no one human being can meet it?

I know that many employees rise to the challenge. But what I'm hearing goes beyond that. If we've got workers limping for the exits, where does that leave us in terms of training the next generation of managers? If we think that only time management and technology is the answer to overworked staff, then how can current managers create a team that's capable of competing in a global economy?

Please, someone clue me in. I just don't get it.




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Got Grit?

You can be the sharpest knife in the drawer, the most well-educated person in your workplace, ambitious, quick-witted and charming -- and a failure.

While many would consider those attributes a recipe for success, the truth is that those who seem to climb the top of the ladder have something that others may lack: Grit.


"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all," said Dale Carnegie, the original self-help guru.

If you look up grit in the dictionary, it's defined as "indomitable spirit; pluck." I've thought about that a lot as I've been watching the Olympics. While it's clear those athletes have spent thousands of hours in the gym, in the pool and on the running track to get where they are, there is also something special that makes them reach that point.

It's more than hard work, it's more than training and it's more than a body's DNA. It's grit. If you look at their faces, they seem to be lit within by some internal fire that propels them toward their goal.

How does this apply to the workplace? Well, maybe you're not the most well-trained, the most intelligent, the most well-educated at your company. But if you've got the grit, the persistence needed to overcome setbacks and stay committed to your goal, then that can clearly be a deciding factor in your success.

At the same time, those who are successful often tell me they are passionate about what they do; passion is what keeps them striving toward their goal. While you may not always feel passionate about what you're doing in the beginning, often perseverance will help you develop that passion. You may, in fact, become passionate simply about not giving up -- then realize after a time that you're passionate about achieving your goal.

I recently enrolled my oldest son for college, and his adviser was reviewing his test scores. "Solid scores," she said. "Not fantastic, but solid."

Both my son and I squirmed in our seats. Was she judging him as not capable? Her next words surprised me.

"These scores are a good thing," she said. "We've found that those will really high test scores in high school have the highest failure rate in college. The problem seems to be that it's been fairly easy for those kids until now. The first time something goes wrong, they don't know how to cope. They don't know how to work hard and overcome obstacles."

While we live in a time of instant messaging, 24/7 news and an emphasis on speed, it may be more important than ever that if we're going to succeed we don't need to cast aside a goal at the first sign of trouble, but instead develop our perseverance, our grit and determination to keep at it when others would give up.

"Always bear in mind," Abraham Lincoln said, "That your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing."

Does the workplace have enough people with grit these days? Why or why not?




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10 People Who Make a Lot of Sense

I spend a lot of time on this blog giving you advice that I hope will help you in your career. But sometimes, you just have to step aside and let other people do your talking for you. I think these are some pretty smart folks, so lend an ear:

"An overburdened, stretched executive is the best executive, because he or she doesn't have time to meddle, to deal in trivia, to bother people." -- Jack Welch

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit." -- Harry S. Truman

"People will always work harder if they're getting well paid and if they're afraid to lose a job which they knoww ill be hard to equal. As is well known, if you pay in peanuts, you get monkeys." -- Armand Hammer

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." -- Thomas Alva Edison

"When I can't handle events, I let them handle themselves." -- Henry Ford

"Success is a lousy teacher -- it seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose." -- Bill Gates

"Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think." -- Dale Carnegie

"If you want a place in the sun, you've got to put up with a few blisters." -- Abigail van Buren

"I don't try to jump over seven-foot bars. I look around for the one-foot bars that I can step over." -- Warren Buffet

"Career opportunities are ones that never knock." -- The Clash

If you've got a great quote to share, or one that is inspirational to you, please feel free to add to the list. We can always use wise words.

Five Ways to Battle the Little Green Monster

What kind of car do you drive? What does your lawn look like? How much did that suit cost you?

If you're a typical American, at least one of these things brings out your competitive side. Go on, admit it. Your car was chosen because it was something you could show off to your friends. Your lawn could qualify for the PGA, and any weed that dares show up is considered an enemy of the state. And that new suit? Well, you don't like to brag...but it did cost you several months pay.

OK, feel better? Now we all know that you're a top dog, that your status in your circle is assured.

Now, let's talk about work.

Gaining status on the job is often very tough, and it causes a lot of anxiety. Alliances shift -- one day you're in box seats, the next you're sitting in the nosebleed section. One day your star is on the rise, and then -- boom! You've been shoved down the corporate ladder. Or, it seems you never even get a place at the table, no matter how hard you work.

It's no wonder that envy on the job is so destructive. Even if you are the most mild-mannered employee, you may find you are jealous of a co-worker's success and resent the positive events that flow toward someone else.

If you continue down this road, the results are pretty predictable: Your self esteem will drop, you will begin to be less productive and creative, your relationships at work will suffer and your poor self-image may begin to seep into other areas of your life, including personal relationships.

In my previous post about perfectionism, I wrote about the constant "ranking" of our every move that can bring about real problems for those who believe they never measure up. I think this is also true of those who gain their self esteem solely from their job. Bosses like to post rankings of sales, safety records, on-time performance, etc., so the person who already feels jealous of others can have those feelings magnified when they fall behind others -- and are constantly reminded about it.

If you find yourself secretly wishing that a colleague at work might get sideswiped by a bus (not killed....just sort of out of commission for a while), if you find yourself resentful of a co-worker's successes or if feelings of envy are consuming much of your waking hours, then it's time to make some changes.

Why? Because you're much more than your job. No job is worth making you believe that you're "less" than someone else. No job title or paycheck is important enough to crowd out the other good things in your life.

I don't promise this will be easy. It's something you may have to work at every day -- or every hour -- or even every 10 minutes. It's going to be tough because you're going to change the way you look at life, at your job and at your place in this world. But I do promise that it will be worth it. How do I know? Because I've been through status envy myself, and I know how painful and destructive it is. And I also know how good it feels to let it go.

So, let's get started:

1. Make a list of things you enjoy. If it's gardening, riding your bike, playing music, whatever -- the point is to find something that you like doing and then focus your energies on finding other people who feel the same. By joining a gardening club, for example, your self esteem can be boosted when you become a key player in raising money for that group. By experiencing success in something that matters to you, your self esteem will grow in all areas of your life, including at work.

2. Sometimes bigger is not always better. Americans like big. They like big cars and big burgers and big titles. But it's OK if you don't thrive in a big group. It's perfectly fine if you would rather swim in a small pond. Maybe you got a job with a Fortune 100 right out of school, but now find you are consumed with doubts and depression. You might find that working in a smaller organization doesn't give you the big money and prestige, but you'll be a whole lot happier in a smaller group where your status isn't in the sub-zero range.

3. Let go of the shame. I think one of the worst parts of envy is the shame that goes along with it. We know we shouldn't feel the way we do, but that doesn't stop the unkind thoughts about colleagues creeping up on us at 3 a.m. The next time you feel ashamed of the way you feel, stop and say: "OK, I know I'm envious that Joe makes more money than me. That's a concern, but not something I'm going to focus on." Instead, you use it as motivation to make a new client really happy so you can make the boss really happy -- and that could net you a raise. See how you re-frame the situation so that you let go of the shame and instead use it as motivation?

4. Be careful what you wish for. Recently, I was in a very ritzy neighborhood, and the person showing me around would point to a house and say: "The owner killed herself. So did her son." Then, he'd point to another house: "That man died alone. Kids have been fighting over the estate for 10 years." Talk about sad! When your self esteem is being battered, consider what it is you're really after. More money? A different job title? A top project? Then ask yourself: Do you want those things to make you happy, or just to be able to compare yourself to someone else? Will those "things" really make you happy for the long term?

5. This, too, shall pass. After I was on the "Today" show last year, I sat next to a woman on the plane who had just spent a week with a man she had met through an online dating service. I told her about my "Today" show appearance, and how I was hoping that it helped my book sales. The woman, about 60-years-old, was a successful commodities broker. She smiled at me and said: "As you get older, you'll find that stuff doesn't matter. What you want is to find someone to share your life with." She went on to tell me that she'd been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and was hoping to find a man to share a loving relationship with for the time she had left. In an ironic twist, she discovered the man she had just spent the week with also had been diagnosed with Parkinson's.
This woman has been in my thoughts ever since. I've talked to many older workers since then, and they all have the same attitude: Envy and job status take up too much time and energy that they'd rather spend doing something else.

I try to keep that in mind every time I feel that little green monster try to sit on my shoulder. Next time he shows up, he's going in the shredder.

Do you ever find yourself feeling envious of more successful colleagues? What do you do about it?


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Are You -- Or Someone You Know -- a "Perfect" Pain?

I've interviewed enough experts over the years to know what a can of worms you open anytime you mention perfectionism.

And perfectionism in the workplace? You're talking a whole caseload of worms.

Doesn't it seem kind of strange that we would complain about someone who wants things to be perfect at work? After all, we strive to do a great job in order to get raises and promotions and more stock options. So, if we moan and groan about a boss's perfectionist habits or bitch about a co-worker's perfectionist tendencies, isn't that out of balance with what we all seem to seek?

The truth is, there's a difference between perfectionism and excellence. Perfectionism on the job is anything but. It's disruptive and unproductive. For the perfectionist, it can lead to physical illness and depression. For those who must work with a perfectionist, it's annoying as hell.

The problem is that the perfectionist gets so caught up in minor details that they can't attain excellence. Instead, they become a bottleneck as they fuss, for example, with the binding of a project report instead of getting the report completed by deadline. The perfectionist boss hovers and nitpicks and agonizes over the smallest detail, preventing the staff from getting their work done.

And, perfectionists often are dangerous: Putting them in environments such as the cockpit of a jet fighter or a nuclear power plant may not be the best idea since they don't want to immediately report any mistakes they make -- and failing to report errors and then make adjustments right away can pose a risk to others.

Part of the problem with perfectionism in the workplace these days is that we are constantly being asked to measure ourselves not only for the tasks we perform every day (performance evaluations), but also how we measure up against others worldwide. We're told over and over it's a global economy, so employers compare workers to the competition -- and constantly demand better performance. This can be overwhelming for the employee or boss who already grapples with creating too many rigid rules and has difficulty not being hypercritical on every aspect of personal performance.

Instead of aiming for excellence, which can energize someone because they like what they're doing and enjoy reaching for the top, perfectionism seems to bog people down in realizing what they're missing, not what they're gaining.

Younger workers are especially vulnerable, I think, because they've grown up in a culture where they must get into the "best" schools, where they are given rewards and "good jobs" for everything from potty-training to soccer to spelling bees. When they enter the workforce, some who are used to being Polly or Peter Perfect find that attaining that ideal is much tougher. To not attain that perfect status must seem, to some of them, that they have failed. Not exactly the attitude that keeps creative juices flowing and productivity thriving.

At the same time, we burden ourselves with "rankings" that may have little to do with what we're really achieving. Immediate results gained through technology mean we can see right away if customers like a new product, if our online traffic is growing or even if we're gaining more contacts through LinkedIn, Twitter or Facebook. I'm not putting down this technology, but I am saying that it can cause further stress for the perfectionist who doesn't enjoy the gaining of new relationships, but rather focuses on the fact that they aren't gaining contacts as fast as someone else. Again, they focus on what they believe they've failed to achieve.

Personally, I think it's time the perfectionists let themselves off the hook. I think it's time they learned to let go of their insecurities and join the rest of us in knowing that the picture might not be hanging exactly straight on the wall, but it's still a great picture and we can still enjoy it.

For all those perfectionists out there, try some of these ideas:

* Ask someone at work to give you a signal if they think you're showing perfectionist tendencies. Once you realize what you're doing, you can stop obsessing about a detail and instead think about how much you enjoyed working with the other people on your team, or remember a laugh you shared over the project. Is it worth annoying those people or adversely impacting their hard work just because you can't decide on the font size for your part of the report?

* Learn to enjoy the success of others. Just because someone else gets a promotion or nets a big client doesn't mean you failed. Make a list of all the things to enjoy about your life right now, from a great dog to favorite books.

* Ask for feedback. One of the most difficult things for perfectionists is taking the chance they will be criticized. It's why they try and cover up mistakes, or keep their actions under the radar so no one will comment. But soliciting opinions from mentors or fair-minded colleagues can help perfectionists learn that feedback is beneficial and will help them improve. It can, they will learn, help them attain what they're really after -- great performance.

Do you know someone who is a perfectionist? What kind of impact does this person have? Do you think perfectionism is a growing problem in the workplace?




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