3 Ways to Give the Best of Yourself

Mute.

I love that little button on my TV remote. I use it a lot. Commercial comes on?

Mute.

A program with talking heads yelling at each other?

Mute.

In today's workplace, I think a lot of people long for a "mute" button. Unfortunately, not only do we not have the option of tuning everything out, but the increasing stress levels have made it just a bit too loud -- in all kinds of ways.

Recently, I looked into the issue of incivility and stress in the workplace, and what we can do about it. Here's the column I did for Gannett:



As you check your e-mail, return phone calls, gather materials for a meeting in five minutes and try to ignore the fact you haven’t had time to eat lunch, the last thing you may find time for in your busy work day is taking a breather.

Who has time to pause these days? To catch a deep breath when there are ringing phones and buzzing pagers and deadlines and endless workloads? If you pause, you think, all the balls you’re juggling might come crashing down around your head. If you take a take a break, you believe, you’ll only get further behind.

But Nance Guilmartin believes that’s exactly the type of thinking that has led to so much incivility in the workplace today. The inability to give ourselves a moment to gather our thoughts, she says, is what has led many people to make bad decisions, engage in fruitless arguments and ratchet up the stress.

“We’re stretched to the snapping point,” says Guilmartin, an executive coach. “What people need to understand is that even though they can’t change what’s happening, they can change how they handle it. They don’t have to be the victim of what they can’t control.”

Guilmartin says that workers need to learn to stop the habit of “knee-jerk reactions” to situations or people at work, and instead take a minute to consider what they’ve heard and ask questions to make sure they understand the situation before commenting. She says taking a pause allows us to “tap back into our long-lost common sense.”

In her book, “The Power of Pause: How to Be More Effective in a Demanding, 24/7 World, “(Jossey-Bass, $24.95), Guilmarten tells the story of a nurse who was advised to slow down, and reacted with disbelief. As a busy professional with multiple patients, limited resources and time and the unending stress of ill or dying patients, the nurse was incredulous that anyone would tell her to “take a moment to catch her own breath,” Guilmartin says.

Guilmartin says she shared with the nurse the story of a friend who had been in and out of hospitals for a couple of years, and said she felt like nothing more than a “procedure” every time a harried nurse entered her room.

The friend told Guilmartin she would instead appreciate being seen as a person first, and a patient second. Guilmartin said the message resonated with the nurse, who did indeed begin taking a breath before entering a patient’s room, understanding that the pause ensured that she gave the patient a better quality of care, and made her a better nurse.

“We have to learn to give the best of ourselves in the moment,” Guilmartin says. “And all it takes is the time to take one deep breath. Maybe you don’t have time to do more, but you can do more with the time you have.”

Guilmartin says there are a number of ways to be more successful and have more impact and satisfaction in our work, simply by changing a few bad habits that have cropped up in a non-stop, always-connected world.

Among them:
• Don’t react with angry words. Either verbally or written in an e-mail, “you give your power away when you get furious,” she says. “You may win the battle, but you lose the war.” Instead, when frustrated or angry, pause and then try and regain control of the situation by getting more information. It could be that you misunderstood, the person may have accidentally misspoken, or you don’t fully understand all the issues involved.
• Listen. The workplace today is focused on developing a collaborative atmosphere where ideas are shared to drive innovation. That can’t happen, she says, unless people take the time to simply show respect by listening to another person without jumping in with snap decisions or judgments so they can move onto the next item on a to-do list. “The greatest thing you can have someone say about you is: ‘Wow. She’s a great listener.
• Be honest. “If someone comes to you and you’re waiting on an important phone call, be honest with them and say that you can give them only 50 percent of your attention because you’re focused on the upcoming call. Tell them if that's OK, you can give them what you can at the time. What this does is help the person come to trust you because you’re being honest.”


What are some ways you use to slow yourself down when things get crazy?

Are You Stuck in Gender Communication Traps at Work?

I grew up with two sisters and 10 girl cousins. No boys. Then I got married and had two boys. The only female in my house for years besides me has been the dog. So when the authors I interviewed below for my Gannett column told me that men and women communicate differently, I knew what they were saying. Boy, did I know.

Anyone who has been married or in a long-term relationship with the opposite sex might readily agree that men and women communicate differently. Unfortunately, say the authors of a new book on managing your career, those differing communications styles at work can become “gender traps” that hurt your chances of assuming a leadership role on the job.

“While we as men and women should embrace and celebrate our differences, the truth is that sometimes there are misinterpretations of what we’re saying at work,” says Roz Usheroff.

Usheroff, in a book with Beth Banks Cohn called “Taking the Leap,” ($14.99), says that a woman, for example, may become caught in the “superwoman trap” when she doesn’t create clear boundaries and tries to do everything herself. Instead, they say, women should “learn to say no and mean it.”

For a man, a communication problem may be the “Goliath trap,” where the man tries to gain support for his cause by portraying himself as the little guy against a big, bad foe. That’s a mistake, they say.

“You may have competitors, you may have colleagues who have different approaches or opinions that yours, but they are just that, not the ‘enemy.’ Labeling someone the ‘enemy’ dehumanizes them and has no place in business,” the authors say.

Usheroff notes that men and women should get input from others about their communication style to make sure they’re seen as leaders by others. “People may believe the way they are communicating is right, and not realize that there are people who resent their behavior,” Usheroff says.

In the book they give several examples of communication errors, and how women and men can improve. For women, they say:

• Being seen as the “good girl” can take likeability too far. While it’s OK to be approachable, you can’t make business decisions just so someone won’t be mad at you. Don’t be afraid to ask for a well-deserved promotion “for fear of not being seen as appreciative.”
• Stop hedging. Strong opinions or feelings are hidden behind words such as “it’s only my opinion” instead of more confident statements such as “I think” or “I believe.”
• Understand that sometimes no matter what you do, you will be unfairly labeled. As long as you assert yourself fairly and honestly, don’t worry about being called names.
• Striving for perfectionism will cause indecision. It’s a “downward spiral” that can cause women to ruin their careers. “Rather than seeking perfection, seek excellence in the time frame you have available,” they say. “And whatever you do, don’t impose your need to be perfect on your employees.”

For men, the authors say:

• Don’t constantly hide your feelings. Most people don’t want leaders who are emotionless because it makes them uncomfortable.
• Stop trying to “one up” colleagues. While being competitive is good in business, such a win-at-all-costs nature is destructive to teams, and will negatively impact business results.
• Learn to delegate. By believing only he can do a job right, a man who has this attitude undermines his leadership because “you can’t be a leader without followers,” they say. While women also display such tendencies, “it has been our experience that men fall overwhelmingly into this category.”
• You don’t always have to be right. In this case, someone always has to be a “loser” so the man can be a “winner.” Whether it’s vying for a job “and doing everything in his power to make the other internal candidate look bad” or lobbying people to support his business direction because it’s the “right” way, such communication is destructive.

What lessons have you learned about communicating better?

Polishing Your Presentation Skills

The last time you gave a presentation did you claim that the reason the audience dozed off was because of a stuffy room, too much lunch, or perhaps some weird sleep disorder? If you did, perhaps it’s time to go to the true source of the audience snores -- you.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when putting together a presentation is that they sit down at their computer and begin writing a speech with long sentences and big words. Experts say that means you're writing for the "eye" and not the "ear." In other words, you need to use short, simple easy-to-understand sentences and words that the audience will grasp immediately.

Another common goof: reading from the paper directly in front of you, instead of working on giving eye contact and keeping what is called an "open face" -- lots of raised eyebrows and teeth showing.

Research shows that there are three things business audiences like about their favorite speakers: enthusiasm; interesting subject matter full of humor and stories; and knowledge of the subject.

With that in mind, here are some tips to get you on the road to a dynamite business presentation that will leave your audience dazzled -- not dozing.

1. Subject. When choosing the issue you want to address, look at what you want your audience to think, do, or say when you are done.

2. Tone. Don't talk about how nervous you are. The audience wants to know it is in good hands, so speak clearly and loud enough to be heard by the back row (make sure a microphone is working properly beforehand). Your presentation should offer solutions to any problems you present.

3. Audience. Who are they? What do you want them to know? This is key when setting up your presentation.

4. Keep moving. This applies to body language and subject matter. Hand gestures and facial expressions keep things interesting, and you should always practice a presentation many times so that it moves smoothly and prevents the audience from being bored.

5. Tell them a story. Storytelling has proven to be the most effective form of communication since man learned to speak. Use as many anecdotes and stories and examples as you can as long as they apply to the subject. Humor is always welcome, but make sure it is not offensive in any way to your audience.

6. Opening. You’ve got to grab them from the beginning. You want to get a reaction immediately, whether it’s positive or negative.

7. Closing. Too many people race toward the end, relieved it’s nearly over. Big mistake. This is when you need to leave them with a closing image of you, your topic or project, your department or organization.

Remember, presentations are important to careers, because it gives you a chance to showcase your knowledge and abilities and impress bosses and peers. Don't blow it by not being completely prepared.



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