6 tips for handling a pregnancy and a career

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was determined to be professional and discreet about the issue at work. I didn't even plan on telling my boss until I was past my first trimester. I was determined nothing was going to change -- just because I was pregnant didn't mean I would do my job differently.

Then came the day a co-worker entered my office smoking a cigarette (back in the days when such things were allowed). I took one whiff, and nearly knocked the guy off his feet as I ran for the bathroom, overwhelmed by nausea.

My green complexion until noon every day, and the ongoing exhaustion, made it impossible for me to try and keep the issue quiet. Everyone around my office was so supportive of the news, but I still was determined to keep a professional demeanor -- no easy feat when you begin waddling like a duck and the office starts a betting pool on your delivery date.

Every woman with a job faces tough choices when she becomes pregnant, even more so in this tough economy. I explored the subject in my Gannett column:



When a woman finds out she’s pregnant, it can be a joyous occasion – until she realizes that her juggle to combine motherhood with a career may be just beginning.

There are a multitude of issues to address when a working woman is pregnant, from when to tell the boss about the little bundle on the way to how to handle the nausea and exhaustion while working.

Then, there’s the questions of what she can expect to happen to her career while on maternity leave. “Everyone feels differently when they become pregnant. It can be a complicated pathway.

Having a child is such a rich part of life, but you have to be realistic about what’s going to happen,” says Dr. Marjorie Greenfield, an obstetrician-gynecologist and author of a new book, “The Working Woman’s Pregnancy Book,” (Yale University Press, $18).

Greenfield says that this tough job market can add to the stress for a pregnant career woman, who may worry that although the law doesn’t allow her to be fired for being pregnant, that can’t stop an employer from eliminating her job. With a 10 percent unemployment rate, pregnant women must plan ahead to make sure that they still have a job when they return from pregnancy leave, she says.

One of first things a woman must learn is that just because she is excited about her pregnancy, it doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same, Greenfield says.

Co-workers who have suffered miscarriages or infertility issues might be bothered by the news, or the boss may be “only thinking of it in terms of how it impacts the workplace,” she says.

“Don’t take any of this personally. Don’t get your feelings hurt by it,” she says. “You can’t assume everyone will feel the way you do.”

Greenfield says that by coming up with a game plan for the pregnancy and the maternity leave, career women can more successfully navigate the new world of being a working mom. She suggests you:

• Don’t whine. If you’re tired or nauseated while at work, plan ways to handle it as discreetly as possible. Take a catnap during your lunch hour, and stick to bland foods until your stomach settles. Take vacation time if you’re feeling really bad until things settle down. Try to find the time of day when you feel best and use that for your most difficult tasks.

.• Stay on top of your game. While you may feel a bit distracted during your pregnancy because of all the changes, try to stay sharp and focused at work. Earn the respect – and future help – of others by pitching in when needed. Take a brisk walk outside when you’re feeling sluggish.

• Start planning. Once you tell the boss (make sure the manager isn’t the last to know), follow up the initial news with an outline of how your work can be covered while you’re gone. Don’t plan on keeping up with your career completely while on maternity leave – just checking in via phone or e-mail once a day may be all you can handle. “I have a colleague who tells new mothers that if they take care of two bodily functions a day, they’re doing great.” Greenfield says. “Being home with a newborn is no vacation.”

• Be flexible. Once the baby arrives and you return to work, you’ll need to periodically reassess how your plans are working out for your job and your family. Saying “no” to people who demand too much from you is OK.

• Think creatively. Is it possible to work from home sometimes or adjust your schedule? Could you job share, possibly with another working parent?

• Embrace the guilt. Working moms often struggle with trying to do it all, but they can’t. Accept that sometimes you’ll feel conflicted by your decisions, and move on. Think about all the things you’re able to do, such as hold a job and raise a child. That will always be an inspiration to your family, Greenfield says.

Do you have any suggestions on how a woman can best handle her pregnancy at work?

Mom's Influence on Our Career Success

If you're struggling at work, it's time you stopped blaming the boss or the company. Because according to one psychologist, the inability to rise above the challenges and achieve your career dreams is the fault of....

Your mother.

OK, I know what some of you are going to say. I, myself, am a mother, and I get pretty sick and tired of being the fall guy (woman) for my kids whenever things don't go their way, from the fact that they don't have iPhones to making them do homework. "Make sure you mention this to your therapist when you're older!" I call to them as they stomp off to their rooms and slam their doors, miffed at some horrible thing I've done to ruin their lives.

But according to Stephan Poulter, author of "The Mother Factor: How Your Mother's Emotional Legacy Impacts Your Life," there may be more of a direct link between our career success and our mothers than we might understand.

For example, if your mother was a perfectionist, then you might have difficulty taking feedback at work.

"Ninety five percent of the time it's your emotional history spilling into the present," Poulter says.

The perfectionist mother is just one of the five predominant types of mothering style. The others, according to Poulter’s book:
· The “unpredictable” mother. She is overcontrolling, fearful and anxious. Focuses on appearance over substance and creates a child who is often ashamed, never good enough, focused on external issues and ultimately, self-loathing. Poulter advises that to overcome these problems, you must first “consider your opinion the most valuable because this concept stops the agony of people pleasing and worrying about other people’s opinions of you.”
· The “me first” mother. Self-serving, approval-seeking, non-empathetic, critical and arrogant, she sees the child as an extension of herself. The child can feel dismissed, emotionally deprived, self-doubting and angry. As adults, these people must learn to understand that they are “good enough,” he says.
· The “best friend” mother. This is a style quite popular with today’s moms. This peer-styled relationship between mother and child lacks boundaries and leadership, creating an unbalanced emotional dependence. The child can feel abandoned, neglected, angry and “motherless.” As adults, these people must learn to let go of their anger. “If your mother could have done a better job of mothering you, she would have,” he says. “You have to come up with what you emotionally desire and create that network of loving people.”
· The “complete” mother. Secure, insightful and nurturing, this mom understands her child’s needs and desires and how to guide them towards their own personal fulfillment and growth. The child is empowered, secure and prepared to become an adult.

If you're interested in asking Poulter some questions about this issue, please tune in April 15 at 10 a.m. CST to my Blog Talk Radio show where I'll be interviewing him further. (As of this posting, there were technical difficulties with the specific segment URL, so I'll get that posted at a later date.)


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Extreme Commuting Gaining Popularity

It's time for Tibit Tuesday, and I've got a little bit of everything, sort of like a pre-Thanksgiving meal. But after this, you won't have to take a walk just to make room for pie.


It ought to be an Olympic sport: If you were offered a really great job, would you be willing to relocate? As someone who moved the family five times in 13 years because of job opportunities (and we're talking cross-country relocations), I know the decision can be tough. And it becomes much tougher if you've got children and they're old enough to want to stay put with established schools and friends.
That's why I found this study from Korn/Ferry International interesting: 70 percent of those surveyed would prefer “extreme commuting,” (commuting by airplane to work and back each week or by car for more than 90 minutes one way each day), rather than relocate. Some 55 percent of executive recruiters indicated that it was more difficult today than in the past to convince candidates to relocate for new job opportunities with family ties being the leading reason for resistance, while lifestyle factors (25 percent) and housing market costs (10 percent) also cited as contributing factors.

Analyzing diaper changes: Choosing to bring a child into the world is often a decision made with the heart, not the head. But the folks at Duke University say women may benefit from "applying formal decision-making science to this complex emotional choice."
Specifically,Professor Ralph Keeney and doctoral student Dinah Vernik of Duke’s Fuqua School of Business developed a sophisticated logical decision model to help women weigh their options. Variables are plugged into the model which then attempts to balance the benefits of motherhood against its effects on career and social interests and the age-related concerns of diminishing fertility or an increased likelihood of conceiving a child with a genetic abnormality.
The researchers, in a press release, "stress that their model should not be interpreted as prescribing solutions for women, but instead as a formalized way for helping them sort through conflicting pressures and considerations related to beginning a family."
"We use decision analysis all the time to guide complex business and policy questions and decisions, so why not use the structured approach to improve our understanding for making important personal decisions?" Keeney was quoted as saying.

What, no Elvis? If you want to know who the top 50 "business thinkers" are, check out this list, which puts C. K. Prahalad, an Indian management guru at No. 1, followed by:
2. Bill Gates, "Geek-turned-philanthropist"
3. Alan Greenspan ex-Federal Reserve chairman
4. Michael Porter, competitive strategy author
5. Gary Hamel, business strategist
One name that was personally familiar to me (I don't usually hang out with Gates or Greenspan) was Marshall Goldsmith at No. 34, the first time he's hit the list. I've known Marshall for many years, and interviewed him several times. He even gave me a blurb for my book.

Please shut up, darling: One of the trickiest things about working with your significant other is finding a way to do it without driving each other batty and winding up in divorce court. Forbes reports that "couples who do it successfully say they respect each other's roles, communicate, and every now and then, say to their partners, "for goodness' sake, stop talking about the office."



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