Now That The Election is Over, What Will You Talk About at Work?

The leaves have fallen off the trees, the pumpkins are rotting on the front porch and we've got a new president-elect.

It is, indeed, a changing of the times for us, and that is evident even in the workplace. For so long, politics and what Sarah Palin spent on her clothes and which foot Joe Biden shoved in his mouth were topics of conversation around the cubicles of America.

But, that has all pretty much passed as the long-battled presidential election has ended. So, what in the world will we choose to talk about at work? I'm sure it will be all manner of important, riveting, critical stuff, like:

* Why doesn't Whoopi Goldberg have any eyebrows?

* Can that CNN hologram thing be used the next time we have a meeting? If so, I want to be beamed up first!

* If we start now, we can totally create a lifesize model of Santa Claus made of paper clips by the holidays.

* Whatever happened to our intern? And, by the way, have you noticed that bad smell coming from the supply closet where the door jams shut?

* What are the lyrics to "Louie, Louie" anyway?

* Did you hear that our CFO is headed to the Cayman Islands for a little vacation? His secretary says that he hasn't booked a return trip -- I wonder what's up with that.

* If you play "Thriller" backwards, it says "I wish I were Prince, I wish I were Prince."

* The boss says we need to cut expenses. I say we get rid of the phones. They're nothing but a distraction, what with those customers calling all the time.

* I hate the sound of the shredder, so I've just starting putting everything in the Dumpster out back. I mean, can you imagine what a loser you would be to dive in that thing to get some stupid Social Security number?

* Is that Dick Cheney filling out an application for the mail room job?

What else will be people be talking about at work now that the election is over?

How to Get the Boss To Listen to You

Do you sometimes think you've become the invisible employee? Do you think the only way your boss might pay attention to you is if you were holding a phone and saying: "I've got Oprah on the line for you!"

You're not alone. Many people have felt ignored by their managers, but they are really beginning to fret more about it these days because they fear that "out of mind" may mean "out of a job" if layoffs hit their workplace.

Unfortunately, some employees go about getting attention in the wrong way. They begin to slack, believing that if the boss doesn't pay any attention to them, what does it matter what they do? Or, they may believe the boss's inattention gives them license to sort of "creatively" handle their job, which can mean anything from illegal acts to taking advantage of other workers.

I once interviewed James E. Lukaszewski, one of those super management gurus, and he had some great advice for finding a way to get yourself heard by the boss. In what called the "three-minute drill" he said that you had to really hone your message, to practice and to do your homework so that when you spoke to the boss, she listened just like you really did have Oprah on the line.

He suggested that you write out your three-minute pitch (or about 450 words) to the boss. It should go something like this:

* In 60 words, describe the nature of the issue, problem or situation that requires decision, action or study by the boss. What you're saying is: "Hey, boss, this situation requires your attention and we've got to talk about it right now."

* Lay out for the boss what it all means. Is it a threat from a competitor? Is it an opportunity to grow the business? Let the boss know WHY is all matters. Again, keep it to about 60 words.

* Say what needs to be done in 60 words.

* Give three options: do nothing, do something or do something more. Giving multiple options is what helps you keep the boss's attention, instead of her just tossing you out when she doesn't like your recommendation. This should be about 150 words.

* Once you give the options, then you need to be prepared to give your recommendation on which one to choose. Being prepared to give an immediate answer keeps her focused on you and your solutions. Hint: Give the one that has the least negative consequences. Total: 60 words.

* Forecast what you think will happen, both the positive and the negative, if any. The boss needs to understand -- in 60 words -- the consequences.

What are other strategies you can use to become more "visible" to the boss?

Have Your Ever Wondered If Ashton Kutcher is Hiding Around the Corner at Work?

Have you ever been at work, and you think you have perhaps fallen into another dimension? That maybe Ashton Kutcher is going to show up and explain that you've been punked -- that what you're going through isn't really, well... real?

Unfortunately, we're not celebrities, and the bizarre things we end up doing at work are not practical jokes. Let's look at some of the....

Things That Were Not in My Job Description:

1. Smelling the boss's breath to make sure it's not "too garlicky" before meeting with a client.
2. Looking at a co-worker's photos of him cutting his child's umbilical cord.
3. Entertaining a customer's 3-year-old who asks "why" every 25 seconds and wants to know what dirt it made of.
4. Cleaning out the microwave where some idiot left the remains of an exploded bean burrito.
5. Listening to a co-worker describe her wedding plan, complete with PowerPoint, flow chart and Excel spreadsheet.
6. Participating in the annual pep rally kickoff for a community campaign that involves cheers and wearing a really stupid hat.
7. Fixing a broken office chair with a paperclip and Dentyne.

What are some other things you've been asked to do at work that are not in your job description?

10 Things Every Employee Deserves From a Boss

Sitting in the waiting room before a dentist's appointment recently, I found myself confronted with reading material that consisted of "Five Ways to Make Christmas Ornaments Out of Old Tires" to "10 Reasons It's Very Normal to Love your Blackberry More Than Life Itself."

That left an article on "20 Things Every Woman Deserves From the Guy in Her Life." As I read:"Make-or-break mate requirements: Must love cats! Must not play air guitar!" I thought about what workers deserve from their managers in the workplace.

That led to my list of 10 Things Every Employee Deserves From the Boss:

1. Good manners. Say please, thank-you, hello and goodbye. A smile doesn't hurt, either.

2. Honesty. If a boss can't tell an employee the truth because it violates some ultra-secret, I'd-be-killed-if-I-told-policy, then say so. But don't lie because it's easier or suits some ulterior motive.

3. Space. Bosses do not need to lean or sit on an employee's desk. Or sit in the employee's chair. Bosses have their own chair, and sitting in a worker's seat is just some macho power play that comes off as juvenile. Also, no employee wants to be close enough to smell a boss's breath and the shrimp scampi (and the glass of wine) enjoyed for lunch.

4. A compliment.

5. A face-to-face conversation.

6. Another chance.

7. Some fun. A shared joke, ordering a couple of pizzas for lunch, just something.

8. Loyalty. Bosses should never badmouth one employee to another, or to a customer. They should defend employees to their bosses if at all possible. They should never criticize an employee to someone else until they hear the employee's side of a story.

9. Good p.r. If a worker does well, the boss should spread the word. No marching bands, but a little announcement in front of co-workers would be cool.

10. Respect. Without it, the other nine don't mean a darn thing.


What else do employees deserve from the boss?




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