Has Praise in the Workplace Gone Too Far?

"You're great."

Who doesn't like to hear those words?

Most of us enjoy getting a pat on the back, especially at work. Complimentary words give us confidence, they motivate us and they help us believe that what we really do matters.

Still, there is nothing worse than praise that rings false. You know the kind:

"Oh, your presentation was fantastic! The best I've ever seen! And I mean, EVER!"

"What about when I fell off the stage? Or when the guy in the front row fell asleep and started snoring so loud even the back row heard him? Did you not see those 25 people leave after I'd been speaking for only 10 minutes?"

"Like I said: Fantastic! Now, I was wondering about your relationship with Bill Smith. I understand you know him and I'd just love to shoot him over a resume and was wondering if you might call on my behalf..."

Like I said, flattery is nice, but it can also backfire. If not done sincerely and at the right time, it can have the same impact -- possibly even worse -- than criticism. Why? Because it's humiliating to know that someone thinks so little of you that they would believe you would fall for such hollow words.

Believe it or not, offering praise that really counts for something takes some thought. If you think offering a compliment is no big deal, then maybe you need to reassess how and why you offer such words.Because if you're going overboard, it could just be that people will start to wear hip waders when you come around, just to get through the river of bullsh*t you seem to spew.

Let's look at some do's and don'ts of how to give praise that really matters:

* Don't be manipulative. Don't offer words of praise right before you make a request, such as the example provided above. Not only will the recipient of your false compliment not appreciate it, but it also can damage your reputation with others who won't appreciate your manipulation.

* Don't go overboard. Be specific when you offer a compliment. Instead of saying someone gave the "best presentation ever," cite an example: "I thought what you said in your presentation about green alternatives will really spark some innovation, which is what this company needs right now." Don't get caught up in saying "good job" for everything that passes your way. Take a minute and think about why it was a good job, then offer the compliment: "You really helped calm that customer down by not getting upset and by focusing on finding a solution. You really helped keep him as a customer."

* Don't give back-handed praise. "That was really a great idea you had for the new advertising campaign. Not bad for a guy who nearly lost us a big account last week." Compliments should not be used as a diversion for sticking a knife in someone's back.

* Do take the time to do it right. As I said in the beginning, sincere forms of flattery can not only motivate you, but give you confidence. Why would you rush through something so meaningful? If you're going to give a compliment, take the time to do it right. Look the person in the eye and make sure you have their full attention. And remember: Sometimes it's especially nice to give words of praise in front of others.

* Do understand that everyone likes praise. Some people at work are quiet and seem to exist in their own world. You can't imagine that what you think would matter to them. Or, there are the brash employees who constantly proclaim they don't give a dead rat's ass what anyone else thinks. No reason to worry about complimenting people like that, right? Wrong. Everyone likes to hear kind words. It's a form of nourishment for the spirit that is especially important during tough times like these in the workplace.

What are your thoughts on offering praise?

What I Learned From the Generosity of Others

This post is a bit different for me. Robert Hruzek at Middle Zone Musings put this challenge to me, and I decided to accept. (Anyone can participate.) You'll note, however, that this post actually does have something to do with the workplace, and the difference one person can make on the job.

Everyone has a story about 9/11 – where they were and who they were with when they learned of the terrorist attacks.

I was in a class with about 50 other journalists from around the country as part of a fellowship for The Knight Center for Specialized Journalism at the University Maryland. As you can imagine, half the class left immediately to head back to their newspapers to help with the coverage, while many were dispatched for nearby Washington, D.C. or even New York.

As the days went by, the rest of us continued to meet for classes. We phoned home as often as we could, talking to our families and trying to figure out when the heck (or even if) we could get home.

Several days later, it was time for me to catch my flight home. Unbelievably, the Baltimore airport had opened just that day and was offering limited flights. Things were touch and go – the airport was offering no guarantees about flight times.

Of course the airport was swarming with National Guard troops, Maryland Highway Patrol and what appeared to be additional private security. People were jumpy – an abandoned backpack immediately sent up an alarm and security came immediately. (The guy who left it while he went to the bathroom was greatly embarrassed when he was questioned and had to reveal the pack contained an extra set of underwear and a novel.)

Hour after hour I sat in the airport, watching it grow dark outside as the disembodied voice over the intercom system continued to note another flight had been cancelled. Eight hours went by when it came time for my flight – which had been rescheduled numerous times – and I stepped up to the ticket counter to be checked in once again.

A woman behind me asked me where I was headed. “I’m headed home, I hope,” I said. “I’m trying to get home to my husband and kids.”

Conversation died after that as we watched a group of intoxicated young men begin to harass a ticket agent who appeared to be Middle Eastern. It was clear they had passed the time in the airport bar.

By that point, I was numb. Both my parents had died recently, passing away within 17 months of each other, followed by my grandfather three months later. All the grief from the attacks and my own personal loss was a lead ball in my stomach. I waited for my turn to get a ticket.

As I finally stepped up to the counter, the employee began tapping into his computer. “This is our only flight tonight. We’ll see what we can do. We’re obviously overbooked,” he said.

I nodded and headed back to my seat, prepared to wait some more. I figured I’d be spending the night in the airport.

Within minutes, he called my name.

“I heard you say you have children,” he said.

“Yes.”

“And you want to get home.”

“Yes.”

“Have a good trip,” he said, handing me a ticket.

“Thank you,” I said, smiling.

I gazed at him for a moment, and he smiled back. A world of understanding passed between us at that moment. He was the Middle Eastern employee who had taken the abuse from the drunken men. But I saw him only as a man trying to get a mother back home to her children.

As I got onto the plane, I began making my way toward the back, figuring my seat was somewhere just shy of the onboard toilet. A flight attendant looked at my ticket, and soon corrected me.

“You’re in first class,” she said.

Surprised, I found my seat. As I was served a wonderful meal, my weary head resting on a soft pillow, I thought of that employee who decided to make sure I got on that flight not just because it was his job, but because he had chosen to step away from all the ugliness and simply do a generous thing for a stranger.

I found this quote from Quaker missionary Stephen Grellet that sums up my thoughts on what I learned: “I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow human being let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

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Now That The Election is Over, What Will You Talk About at Work?

The leaves have fallen off the trees, the pumpkins are rotting on the front porch and we've got a new president-elect.

It is, indeed, a changing of the times for us, and that is evident even in the workplace. For so long, politics and what Sarah Palin spent on her clothes and which foot Joe Biden shoved in his mouth were topics of conversation around the cubicles of America.

But, that has all pretty much passed as the long-battled presidential election has ended. So, what in the world will we choose to talk about at work? I'm sure it will be all manner of important, riveting, critical stuff, like:

* Why doesn't Whoopi Goldberg have any eyebrows?

* Can that CNN hologram thing be used the next time we have a meeting? If so, I want to be beamed up first!

* If we start now, we can totally create a lifesize model of Santa Claus made of paper clips by the holidays.

* Whatever happened to our intern? And, by the way, have you noticed that bad smell coming from the supply closet where the door jams shut?

* What are the lyrics to "Louie, Louie" anyway?

* Did you hear that our CFO is headed to the Cayman Islands for a little vacation? His secretary says that he hasn't booked a return trip -- I wonder what's up with that.

* If you play "Thriller" backwards, it says "I wish I were Prince, I wish I were Prince."

* The boss says we need to cut expenses. I say we get rid of the phones. They're nothing but a distraction, what with those customers calling all the time.

* I hate the sound of the shredder, so I've just starting putting everything in the Dumpster out back. I mean, can you imagine what a loser you would be to dive in that thing to get some stupid Social Security number?

* Is that Dick Cheney filling out an application for the mail room job?

What else will be people be talking about at work now that the election is over?

The 5S concept: Will a Misplaced Stapler Get You in Trouble?

Watch out: 5S may be coming to your workplace. And if it does, well, you have my condolences.

I first read about 5S several months ago, and hoped it was a bad blip on the radar screen, sort of like a new High School Musical cast being assembled.

But no, there it was on the front page of the Wall Street Journal this morning. For those who haven't heard of 5S (sort, straighten, shine, standardize and sustain), it was originally designed for the manufacturing floor as a way to keep things neat and tidy to increase efficiency. Everything has a specific place, and unnecessary stuff is tossed so that no time is wasted looking for something, seen as especially important when people share a workspace.

Now, 5S has made its way to the upper floors and into the cubicles, and I'm getting a very bad feeling about it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for keeping chaos to a minimum in the workplace, and disorganized, messy work spaces aren't good for anyone. But as someone who has covered the workplace for decades, who has interviewed hundreds of bosses and hundreds of employees over the years, I think this idea is going to be about as welcome as a weekly performance evaluation.

Why? At a time when people are so concerned about their jobs, when companies need every mind engaged in coming up with new and innovative ideas in order to remain competitive, when bosses are just trying to keep employees focused and not watching the stock market go nuts -- we're going to focus on whether a desk is neat? Or whether a person's sweater should be allowed on the back of a chair?

I realize some people think this concept is great, and a perfect solution to the problems of inefficiency and disorganization among team members. But I've seen this thing cause a backlash before, and I just believe when people are being asked to work longer hours, with little or no pay raise or bonus this year, that telling them they put the stapler in the wrong drawer is going to be a bit grating on already frayed nerves.

If you ask a couple who has been together a long time what the secret to their relationship is, many of them might reply it's being respectful, kind, communicating well and valuing what the other person has to bring to the relationship. I'd agree with all of those things. And I think most bosses would agree that's what they also value in their team members.

Do they want to be policing the office looking for points to deduct for lack of neatness? Are employees going to be trying to find ways to keep a picture of their kid or a beloved pet from being banned from their workspace instead of focusing on their work? Will 5S only lead to lower morale -- and lead to greater inefficiency, rather than improve it?

I sure hope not. I sure hope that companies don't go overboard on 5S at a time when we need everyone engaged, enthusiastic, energized and upbeat (the 3E's and 1U method) -- but I'm not counting on it.

What do you think of 5S? Are companies focusing on the wrong things at work these days?

Say Buh-Bye to Flexibility and Hello to Longer Hours

I went on eBay the other day to try and purchase a crystal ball. Unfortunately, the ones that were available didn't come with a guarantee, so I decided to pass.

I mean, who wouldn't want a crystal ball to see into the future -- to see how we're all going to survive this mess and whether or not the Rays really can go from being the worst team in baseball to winning the World Series in a year's time?

OK, so when the crystal ball thing didn't work out, I decided to just talk to a lot of different people about the situation on the job today. I didn't talk to just experts, but also regular folks who worry about their jobs, who wonder if their bosses are telling them the truth and if they need to be looking for a second job.

While this is unscientific, this is what my gut tells me -- after decades of covering the workplace -- what you may see come to your workplace:

1. Less flexibility. Companies already are operating lean, but because of the nervousness about how deep and long the recession will last, employers will want employees to really buckle down. And that means that bosses or companies offering flexibility options such as working certain hours or working from home may start to cut back those choices because they want to stick really close to workers right now. So that means where and when the boss works -- so will you.

2. Less tolerance for whining. Bosses are tense. I mean really tense. Maybe they're not showing it to employees, but trust me, they're very stressed by what is going on. They want to be there for employees who are worried about their jobs or the economy, but they can only take so much whining. Those workers who don't recognize when to suck it up and just shut up and work are going to put themselves in jeopardy. Remember: There are lots of great, qualified people out of work right now, and the boss's pickings to replace you have never been better.

3. More generational conflict. Things between older and younger workers have sometimes been tense, but there's always been the argument that baby boomers are going to be retiring in droves soon, so employers will be forced to pay attention to what younger workers want. But with so many baby boomers seeing their portfolios and 401(k)s tank, chances are good many of them are going to stick around much longer. And that's not going to sit well with GenX and GenY, since it mucks up their plans. Employers are going to have little patience (see No.2) for workers who can't get along.

4. Longer hours. Maybe you thought your workload couldn't get any worse. Guess what? It can.

5. Fewer benefits. Those goody packages used to attract and retain top workers are going to start drying up. Companies have pretty much cut as many bodies as they can, so they're going to look for other ways to trim costs. So, if you're thinking of using your company's tuition reimbursement, adoption assistance, gym memberships, etc., do it now. Before too much longer, they may be gone.

What other trends do you think we'll see -- or already are seeing -- in the workplace because of the struggling economy?

Politics and Money Worries: A Volatile Mixture on the Job

There's no escaping the economic news lately, and most of us go to work every day just trying not to think about our dwindling 401(k) plans or pensions. But even if we're trying to block it out, most of us are carrying an extra level of stress as we try to do a job already demanding more of of us than even a year ago.

Add to that the upcoming presidential election, and we're creating a volatile situation where our workplace can become a boiling point for a lot of pent-up anxieties, says one workplace expert.

Christine Probett, a San Diego State University lecturer and former Goodrich executive, says workers are increasingly anxious, frightened and emotional about the future, and that nervousness with the economy means that clear communications from top brass are critical.

“When people get nervous – as they are now with the economy – it’s really important that companies keep their workers informed about what is going on,” says Christine Porbett. “If they don’t, the rumors will start to fly. People will begin making stuff up.”

I recently interviewed Probett for my Gannett News Service/USAToday.com column, and she says that she was once told by an employee that the way the employee separated fact from fiction was by asking three different people about a rumor. If it was confirmed by those three people, then the employee accepted it as fact – and that meant she could pass it along to other workers.

“In a company, there are enough rumors going around that you can get 100 people to confirm a rumor as fact,” Probett says. “Just because you heard it doesn’t make it fact, but that’s how it happens.”

She says any during tough economic times, every closed-door meeting can spawn speculation among employees.

“If management has a meeting, they better come out of that meeting and communicate about what was discussed with the people who work there,” Probett says. “Even if all they can say is that they can’t talk about it. It’s better than out-and-out-lying about what was said."

Further, Probett says the upcoming elections also have added another layer of drama to a workplace that is already trying to deal with workers stressed by rising consumer prices, unemployment and unsettling news from Wall Street.

She says that employees must be very careful about what they say regarding elections at work, because they might be setting the stage for what is known as a "hostile work environment".

Specifically, under federal law, a “hostile work environment” means that “unwelcome comments or conduct based on sex, race or other legally protected characteristics unreasonably interferes with an employee’s work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment.”

“A lot of people are talking about this election, and it brings up a lot of issues,” Probett says. “We’re either going to have an African-American man as president, or a woman as vice president. There’s a lot of energy and emotion tied up in that. Diversity is one of those issues that creates a lot of tension and disagreement in the workplace, because sometimes it’s hard for one person to understand where someone else is coming from.”

That's why it's important that employees clearly understand what they can and cannot say at work regarding the election. If they're not clear, and the company has no set policy, it might be best to keep a low profile regarding political views. According to an American Management Association survey, 35 percent of business people said they are uncomfortable discussing their political views with colleagues.

“I would discourage people from wearing buttons supporting a specific candidate or party, and not allow signage or fundraising while at work,” Probett says.

If you're having problems with someone at work regarding politics, Probett says you should resolve it as you do any conflict.

“Don’t let the issue get bigger. Talk to the person, and tell them what you believe the problem to be. Don’t name call, and make sure you listen when they talk. Once you understand where the other person is coming from, try to come to a resolution. Then, move on. Don’t hold a grudge,” she says.

Are you feeling more stress on the job? How are you handling it?

Have Your Ever Wondered If Ashton Kutcher is Hiding Around the Corner at Work?

Have you ever been at work, and you think you have perhaps fallen into another dimension? That maybe Ashton Kutcher is going to show up and explain that you've been punked -- that what you're going through isn't really, well... real?

Unfortunately, we're not celebrities, and the bizarre things we end up doing at work are not practical jokes. Let's look at some of the....

Things That Were Not in My Job Description:

1. Smelling the boss's breath to make sure it's not "too garlicky" before meeting with a client.
2. Looking at a co-worker's photos of him cutting his child's umbilical cord.
3. Entertaining a customer's 3-year-old who asks "why" every 25 seconds and wants to know what dirt it made of.
4. Cleaning out the microwave where some idiot left the remains of an exploded bean burrito.
5. Listening to a co-worker describe her wedding plan, complete with PowerPoint, flow chart and Excel spreadsheet.
6. Participating in the annual pep rally kickoff for a community campaign that involves cheers and wearing a really stupid hat.
7. Fixing a broken office chair with a paperclip and Dentyne.

What are some other things you've been asked to do at work that are not in your job description?

Is Any Job Worth a Bad Boss?

When there are stressful times in the workplace, you can bet it's going to bring out the best in a lot of people -- and the worst.

Unfortunately, job seekers may not discover which category a boss falls into until it's too late.

For example, good bosses will understand that the continuing tough economic news means they need to rally the troops, to stick close to employees and make sure employees see they are calm in the face of bad economic news, determined to keep doing the best possible job. They make sure their door is always open to listen to worker concerns, and even spring for a pizza every once in a while just to help lighten the mood.

And then there are the bosses that crack under the strain. They hole up in their offices, the door tightly closed. When they do emerge, they are uncommunicative with workers, except to criticize or be short-tempered. They may be sarcastic, rude, insulting and thoughtless. Employees become tightly wired and depressed, alternately sniping with one another or lapsing into brooding silences.

Enter the hapless job seeker. With shiny shoes, a bright smile and firm handshake, the job candidate enters the door of a company, hopeful that in this crappy job market, he or she may land a job.

Many are desperate. They try not to let that show (a definite no-no in the job search world), but they know their current company is sinking fast, their industry on the rocks, their job security a thing of the past. They need another job, and they need it now.

So, they may be willing to overlook a few things they would not have in the past, when job seekers had the upper hand in a thriving economy. Now, with rising unemployment, they don't care about the long commute, the less-than-generous benefits, the lack of stock options. In other words, they are willing to overlook a lot of the frayed edges if it just means they can keep a paycheck coming in.

Understandable. You gotta do what you gotta do. But there is one area that may bear closer scrutiny: the boss.

As anyone who has had a bad boss knows, a rotten manager can affect you in ways you never dreamed. You can't sleep. You can't eat -- or overeat. You yell at your kids or partner when you get home, you develop bad headaches and stomach pains. You feel like you've aged 10 years overnight and secretly envision the boss getting hit by a bus. (Not killed of course, just in the hospital for the next five years.)

That's why it's still important that while you may be willing to settle on a lot of things when you go for a job these days, don't settle for a bad boss. And here's a bit of good news: The bad bosses are being exposed as never before. It's going to be easier to learn who is a lousy manager simply because he or she is cracking under the strain.

Here's some ways to find out a boss's true colors:

* Ask to speak to other employees. Sometimes you will not always be given this opportunity, and other times, the workers may not be truthful because they fear for their own jobs. Ask questions such as: "What has been your favorite assignment and why?" "What gives you the greatest satisfaction working here?" "What three words would you use to describe your boss?"
* Find the favorite watering hole. This may be a neighborhood pub, or a lunch spot where employees hang out. It may even be a nearby park. The idea is to strike up a conversation away from the eyes and ears of the boss so that you can get an employee to open up about the true management style of the boss.
* Be objective. Just because one employee trashes the manager doesn't mean the boss is terrible. It could be that this person doesn't get along with anyone. Try and talk to several employees so that you can get a real feel for what's going on.
* Don't think you're special. I'm always amazed by job candidates who take a position knowing the boss is an ass. They always think they can find a way to get along with the manager, that they somehow possess special powers to overcome a bully boss. Not so. If the boss is a jerk to the majority of workers, chances are you're going to experience the exact same thing.

What are some other ways to spot a bad manager?

10 Things Every Employee Deserves From a Boss

Sitting in the waiting room before a dentist's appointment recently, I found myself confronted with reading material that consisted of "Five Ways to Make Christmas Ornaments Out of Old Tires" to "10 Reasons It's Very Normal to Love your Blackberry More Than Life Itself."

That left an article on "20 Things Every Woman Deserves From the Guy in Her Life." As I read:"Make-or-break mate requirements: Must love cats! Must not play air guitar!" I thought about what workers deserve from their managers in the workplace.

That led to my list of 10 Things Every Employee Deserves From the Boss:

1. Good manners. Say please, thank-you, hello and goodbye. A smile doesn't hurt, either.

2. Honesty. If a boss can't tell an employee the truth because it violates some ultra-secret, I'd-be-killed-if-I-told-policy, then say so. But don't lie because it's easier or suits some ulterior motive.

3. Space. Bosses do not need to lean or sit on an employee's desk. Or sit in the employee's chair. Bosses have their own chair, and sitting in a worker's seat is just some macho power play that comes off as juvenile. Also, no employee wants to be close enough to smell a boss's breath and the shrimp scampi (and the glass of wine) enjoyed for lunch.

4. A compliment.

5. A face-to-face conversation.

6. Another chance.

7. Some fun. A shared joke, ordering a couple of pizzas for lunch, just something.

8. Loyalty. Bosses should never badmouth one employee to another, or to a customer. They should defend employees to their bosses if at all possible. They should never criticize an employee to someone else until they hear the employee's side of a story.

9. Good p.r. If a worker does well, the boss should spread the word. No marching bands, but a little announcement in front of co-workers would be cool.

10. Respect. Without it, the other nine don't mean a darn thing.


What else do employees deserve from the boss?




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Do You Know When to Run Like Hell From a Job?

Sometimes it's hard to know what you want. Sometimes it’s easier to know what you don’t want.

I mean, there are a lot of career advice people – myself included – who give pointers on how to get the job you really want. But what if you’re not sure what you want? What if you’re not sure what you should do next?

In that case, you flip it. You look at the other side of the equation – figure out what you hate, and then you’ll know what to avoid at any cost. You’ll end up with a rough road map of where you need to go.

The key is to make sure these are things that you are absolutely, positively don’t want to do ever, ever again. Ever. In your lifetime. They are the deal breakers, the things that make you run like hell if you ever see them again.

Now, let’s put on our 20/20 hindsight glasses and see what we wish we had never done, and what we never want to do again in the future:

1. Location, location, location. People never consider what it will be like to sit eight to 12 hours a day in cubicle in a windowless office until they have done it. Some people hate it so much they would rather be carrying a “will work for food” sign on an interstate interchange. Or, if you have to commute 40 miles one way every day and you’re developing a galloping case of road rage, then you know that working far from home doesn’t make you happy. The lesson: Don’t apply for jobs that will stick you in a cubicle or have you tucking a Louisville Slugger under the front seat of your car.

2. Hours of operation. My dad worked shift work my entire life. He worked Christmas and Halloween and President’s Day and just about every holiday I can think of. One week he worked 4 p.m. to midnight, and the next he would work 6 a.m. to 3 p.m. It seemed like when he was home, he was always asleep. I can still hear my mother telling my sisters and me: “Don’t slam the door! Be quiet! Your Dad is sleeping!” When I went to work in newsrooms, it never bothered me to work Christmas or any other holiday. It didn’t bother me to work until 2 a.m. or be called out on a story on Sunday afternoon. It wasn’t a big deal to me because odd hours and days seemed normal to me. But it bugged plenty of other people, and they ended up hating the job because of it. If the hours of a job don’t mesh with what you consider “having a life,” then don’t consider it. You’ll be miserable, and there’s no point trying to stay in job when you resent the hours.

3. Flexibility. There are two types of workplaces these days: Those that say they provide flexibility – and do – and those that say they provide flexibility – and don’t. I’ve always been amazed by those “best places to work” lists that report XYZ Corp. is a great place to work because they provide all these really cool benefits: Employees take time off to train for a marathon or attend a kid’s soccer game. Then you dig a little deeper and find out that yeah, that happens, but only for six people in corporate headquarters. The rest of the poor saps get the evil eye from their boss if they request time off for open heart surgery. So, if flexibility is really important to you, then do your homework and find out if flexibility is just lip service. If you hate your job because you feel chained to a desk or workstation and the boss would rather poke out his own eye with a sharp stick than let you work from home, then forget it. Talk to those in industry and professionals groups – even alumni associations – and see if you can get the real story on what happens within a company’s four walls.

4. Benefits. When I was a young worker, I could have cared less about health benefits. They were not a deal breaker for me, as I probably got a cold about twice a year and that was it. That changed as soon as I got married and had my first child. While I know that everyone would like a job with health benefits, it’s probably more critical for parents – especially single parents. If this is one of the reasons you hate your job, then don’t bother seeking positions that won’t offer you health insurance.

5. Travel. I recently interviewed a woman who traveled a lot for her job. I was ready to hear her tales of woe – delayed flights, missed family, uncomfortable hotel rooms – but she couldn’t have been happier. I’m talking happy. She loved traveling for her job, she loved being in different offices and meeting different people. The travel actually made her love her job. Now, I’ve known plenty of people who hated their jobs because of the travel. They thought being out of the office several days a month wouldn’t be so bad. But they ended up hating it, and found the stress unbelievable. If you hate your job because of the travel, then steer clear of a job that requires it.

Every day we have to make choices. Some of them are harder than others. And, when it comes to a career, those choices can become scary and confusing and intimidating. The easiest step, in that case, may be to simply decide what you don’t want. Once you do that, then you will clear away a lot of the clutter that keeps you from getting the job that you do want.

What others deal breakers should people consider when making career decisions?

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A Salute to the Worker Bees

While most people see the Labor Day holiday as a chance to cut out of work early today and head for one last weekend at the beach or perhaps a barbecue in the backyard with friends, I see it as the one time of year I need to stop and salute all of you.

As a workplace columnist for nearly 17 years, I've interviewed hundreds of workers and hundreds of bosses. I've heard from readers of my column all across the globe. I've been grateful for your letters telling me that information I shared helped you, that for the first time you don't feel like you're the only one who has workplace challenges. You share your difficult experiences: being bullied, being fired, working for a tyrant and getting annoyed with co-workers.

But despite your problems, you continue to go to work every day. Maybe you don't get much recognition, maybe you don't have a glamorous title or a fancy corner office. Maybe you work despite a chronic illness or constant pain. Through whatever trials and tribulations you face in your private life, you go to work.

You work when companies treat you like a commodity to be bought and sold. You labor when your benefits are cut, when you don't get a pay raise and when you fear you may be laid off. You put in extra hours on the weekend, and even when on vacation.

The first Labor Day holiday was celebrated on Sept. 5, 1882. More than 100 years ago people felt like laborers should be celebrated. In 2008, I couldn't agree more.

So, you have my admiration and my thanks. I've learned a lot from each of you over the years, and I have come to be amazed by your resilience, your dedication and your perseverance. To me, the fact that you get up every day and go to work -- no matter what your circumstances or what challenges you face -- make you heroes in my book.

Take a bow. You've earned it.




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Would You Rather Have Your Pinky Toe Cut Off?

We had just spent several sweaty hours at a professional baseball game, and my youngest son was balking at getting in the car for the two-hour drive home. Having gotten a bit carsick on the way to the game, he was negotiating getting a hotel room and staying the night.

All I could think of was a cool shower and the comfort of my own bed, so I stood tough in the face of some serious whining.

"I'll tell you what," I said. "I'll play a game with you on the way home."

"It's dark! We can't see to play anything!" he argued.

"Sure, we can," I said, trying not to let the exhaustion I felt creep into my "enthusiastic mommy" voice. "We'll play 20 questions. It will be fun!"

My son, still in negotiation mode, said: "How about if we play 'which would you rather?'"

Since I had never heard of such a game, I asked him to start us off.

Settled into the cool, dark confines of the back seat and headed home, he launched his first question: "Uh, OK. Which would you rather have: Your pinky toe cut off -- permanently -- or both arms broken and in a cast for a year?"

I was sort of taken aback by the game (was this going to be about missing body parts?) but after a moment's consideration I said: "Well, I can do without my pinky toe. It's not like I would fall over without it. And I'd hate to be in two casts for a year. Think of all the bad hair days. I'll go with the pinky toe."

For the next two hours, we played the game. My husband and other son quickly joined in. At times the questions were fun: Which would my 13-year-old son rather do -- carry a Hannah Montana backpack to school or have his head shaved? Would my oldest rather have a date with Jessica Alba or get a new Porshe?

Often, the questions to me were about my career: Which would I rather do, work for the former boss who yelled at me a lot or the other past boss who was sneaky and mean?

While giving up my pinky toe was a pretty easy decision, some of the queries were much more tough. My initial response would often come to a halt as I pondered aloud some questions about where I wanted to go in my career and my life.

I was struck by how simple the questions were, but how much they clarified the things that I found truly important. It wasn't one of those cases where I said, "Oh, gee, I can't make up my mind. I don't know whether I'd want to work for the yelling boss -- who could be nice at times -- or the sneaky and mean boss." I knew I'd rather work for someone who was openly a jerk than someone who gave snakes a bad name. (It dawned on me that was probably why I had recently decided not to apply for a job where the management had a bad reputation. To me, the money was not worth the stress of a snarky boss and I'd rather put my energy into something else.)

In the last couple of days, I've thought a lot about the game my family played on that summer night. I not only learned a lot about myself, but also about what others thought I considered important. They also learned a lot about me.

So, on this Monday morning, I'm going to ask you to play "which would you rather." Spend some time playing this game with people who are close to you. You're going to be amazed at what you'll learn about yourself:

1. Which would you rather have: Three months doing a job you really hate -- for a lot of money -- or a job for a year that you love, but for much less money?

2. Which would you rather have: A prestigious award from your industry or a 25 percent pay raise?

3. Which would you rather have: Three weeks vacation at a destination of your choice or your boss giving you much more recognition?

4. Which would you rather have: Being able to work on an important project or everyone getting along at work?

5. Which would you rather have: Catered lunches for a month or an hour alone with the CEO to tell him/her your ideas?

What would you answer and why?




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Five Ways to Battle the Little Green Monster

What kind of car do you drive? What does your lawn look like? How much did that suit cost you?

If you're a typical American, at least one of these things brings out your competitive side. Go on, admit it. Your car was chosen because it was something you could show off to your friends. Your lawn could qualify for the PGA, and any weed that dares show up is considered an enemy of the state. And that new suit? Well, you don't like to brag...but it did cost you several months pay.

OK, feel better? Now we all know that you're a top dog, that your status in your circle is assured.

Now, let's talk about work.

Gaining status on the job is often very tough, and it causes a lot of anxiety. Alliances shift -- one day you're in box seats, the next you're sitting in the nosebleed section. One day your star is on the rise, and then -- boom! You've been shoved down the corporate ladder. Or, it seems you never even get a place at the table, no matter how hard you work.

It's no wonder that envy on the job is so destructive. Even if you are the most mild-mannered employee, you may find you are jealous of a co-worker's success and resent the positive events that flow toward someone else.

If you continue down this road, the results are pretty predictable: Your self esteem will drop, you will begin to be less productive and creative, your relationships at work will suffer and your poor self-image may begin to seep into other areas of your life, including personal relationships.

In my previous post about perfectionism, I wrote about the constant "ranking" of our every move that can bring about real problems for those who believe they never measure up. I think this is also true of those who gain their self esteem solely from their job. Bosses like to post rankings of sales, safety records, on-time performance, etc., so the person who already feels jealous of others can have those feelings magnified when they fall behind others -- and are constantly reminded about it.

If you find yourself secretly wishing that a colleague at work might get sideswiped by a bus (not killed....just sort of out of commission for a while), if you find yourself resentful of a co-worker's successes or if feelings of envy are consuming much of your waking hours, then it's time to make some changes.

Why? Because you're much more than your job. No job is worth making you believe that you're "less" than someone else. No job title or paycheck is important enough to crowd out the other good things in your life.

I don't promise this will be easy. It's something you may have to work at every day -- or every hour -- or even every 10 minutes. It's going to be tough because you're going to change the way you look at life, at your job and at your place in this world. But I do promise that it will be worth it. How do I know? Because I've been through status envy myself, and I know how painful and destructive it is. And I also know how good it feels to let it go.

So, let's get started:

1. Make a list of things you enjoy. If it's gardening, riding your bike, playing music, whatever -- the point is to find something that you like doing and then focus your energies on finding other people who feel the same. By joining a gardening club, for example, your self esteem can be boosted when you become a key player in raising money for that group. By experiencing success in something that matters to you, your self esteem will grow in all areas of your life, including at work.

2. Sometimes bigger is not always better. Americans like big. They like big cars and big burgers and big titles. But it's OK if you don't thrive in a big group. It's perfectly fine if you would rather swim in a small pond. Maybe you got a job with a Fortune 100 right out of school, but now find you are consumed with doubts and depression. You might find that working in a smaller organization doesn't give you the big money and prestige, but you'll be a whole lot happier in a smaller group where your status isn't in the sub-zero range.

3. Let go of the shame. I think one of the worst parts of envy is the shame that goes along with it. We know we shouldn't feel the way we do, but that doesn't stop the unkind thoughts about colleagues creeping up on us at 3 a.m. The next time you feel ashamed of the way you feel, stop and say: "OK, I know I'm envious that Joe makes more money than me. That's a concern, but not something I'm going to focus on." Instead, you use it as motivation to make a new client really happy so you can make the boss really happy -- and that could net you a raise. See how you re-frame the situation so that you let go of the shame and instead use it as motivation?

4. Be careful what you wish for. Recently, I was in a very ritzy neighborhood, and the person showing me around would point to a house and say: "The owner killed herself. So did her son." Then, he'd point to another house: "That man died alone. Kids have been fighting over the estate for 10 years." Talk about sad! When your self esteem is being battered, consider what it is you're really after. More money? A different job title? A top project? Then ask yourself: Do you want those things to make you happy, or just to be able to compare yourself to someone else? Will those "things" really make you happy for the long term?

5. This, too, shall pass. After I was on the "Today" show last year, I sat next to a woman on the plane who had just spent a week with a man she had met through an online dating service. I told her about my "Today" show appearance, and how I was hoping that it helped my book sales. The woman, about 60-years-old, was a successful commodities broker. She smiled at me and said: "As you get older, you'll find that stuff doesn't matter. What you want is to find someone to share your life with." She went on to tell me that she'd been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and was hoping to find a man to share a loving relationship with for the time she had left. In an ironic twist, she discovered the man she had just spent the week with also had been diagnosed with Parkinson's.
This woman has been in my thoughts ever since. I've talked to many older workers since then, and they all have the same attitude: Envy and job status take up too much time and energy that they'd rather spend doing something else.

I try to keep that in mind every time I feel that little green monster try to sit on my shoulder. Next time he shows up, he's going in the shredder.

Do you ever find yourself feeling envious of more successful colleagues? What do you do about it?


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Ten Things They Never Taught You in School But you Gotta Know in Order to Survive on the Job

Most new parents I know say that can't believe the hospital just let them walk out with their newborn child. The panic sets in as they realize there is no owner's manual to accompany such a momentous event in their lives.

The same could be true of the workplace. Sure, some attend years and years of school, but nothing really prepares you for what the workplace is truly like.

That's why I've put together this list. Tuck it in your pocket. Post it on your refrigerator. E-mail it to yourself. Just don't forget these lessons that you need to know when you work for living:

1. Learn to read upside down.

2. Always carry two pens.

3. Never talk about bodily functions at work. This includes hormones, flatulence and constipation. Only share those events with someone related to you by blood or marriage.

4. Clean up after yourself. Maids work at the Hilton, not your office.

5. Hold the door. The smallest niceties often have the greatest impact.

6. Just because someone is lower than you on the company totem pole doesn't mean they can't retaliate if you wrong them.

7. If you keep up only with your industry or job, you'll be royally screwed when you're booted from both.

8. You are replaceable. Ten people could fill your job tomorrow, and a couple of them are within a few feet of you.

9. Look out the window. Taking your nose away from the grindstone often brings about the greatest insight, clarity and creativity.

10. Be careful of anyone who takes your side in an argument. Their commiseration can cause you to say things you'll come to regret.


What else do we need to know to survive in the workplace?




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Choosing a Career

When I was a kid, I don’t remember anyone asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

A career was just not something I contemplated at an early age. When I played Barbies with my best friend in first grade, my Barbie was always named “Beth” and she either worked as a florist or in a Woolworth’s. This was the extent of my career knowledge – my grandfather owned a nursery and my mother and grandmother took me to Woolworth’s every Saturday.

As I got older, I used to talk about being a teacher. I have no earthly idea why – I didn’t even like to baby sit, so being around children all day obviously held no appeal. I guess since the women in my family were either secretaries or teachers, I decided on teaching since I hated typing.

But I remember the day I took my first journalism class in high school. It was like the planets aligned, the future seemed clear and nothing ever felt more right. After more than two decades in journalism, I’ve never once regretted my decision and have loved (almost) every day in my chosen profession.

After being a workplace columnist, however, I know this isn’t typical for most people. Many times, people go to technical school or college or even get advanced degrees in what they plan on doing for a living. Then, either before they finish their schooling or sometime later in their careers, they discover they don’t really want to be a stock broker or a teacher or a doctor for a living. They would really rather do what they always dreamed of as a kid: run a bait and tackle store in Key West. Or, maybe they dreamed of designing kites for a living, but their parents vetoed that idea and so they became a computer technician.

My point is that we often try and find careers based on our skills – not our passions. In elementary school today, they are testing children to see what their natural career paths will be based on the child’s test scores and interests. Maybe this works for some people. All I know is that while “Beth” was happy working in Woolworth’s or arranging flowers all day, I would hate to think I missed journalism because I tried to make a decision without finding my passion first.

Career counselor Marty Nemko makes the point that finding the “right chemistry” with a career means doing something for a living that involves both your head and your heart. I think one of the best ways to do that is to explore what’s out there and really look honestly at what you like to do – and what you don’t. (Sometimes just eliminating things can put things in perspective.)

Here are some good resources to help you to begin your research:

• www.bls.gov/opub/home.htm: The Bureau of Labor Statistics offers career guides and outlook for hundreds of jobs and industries.
• www.onestopcoach.org This site helps you navigate through hundreds of federal sites when searching for a job or career.
• www.rileyguide.com/prepare.html: If you don’t have a clue what you’d like to do, start here with this guide that helps guide you through the choices.
• www.careers.org: This site provides thousands of links to a wide variety of career resources on the Internet. You can also take a free career test to find out what job is right for you.
• www.kidzonline.org: With more than 90 streaming video interviews with celebrities, business leaders, athletes, musicians and career professionals in different industries, this site is cool for kids and adults.

Blogging notice

I am new to the blogging world, but I have to say it's been a very gratifying experience so far.

I originally started my blog as a way to facilitate discussions among those interested in improving their experiences at work or boosting their careers. I also thought it would be a good chance to build a community of people who support one another and offer advice on various workplace dilemmas or issues.

I've already been interviewed by two bloggers about my book, "45 Things You Do That Drive Your Boss Crazy...and How to Avoid Them." One of the bloggers was in the U.S. -- the other in Pakistan. To me, it's amazing how quickly communities of people come together under a blog, and how they support one another, argue with each other and discuss various issues. Sort of like when families get together at the holidays!

So, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to two bloggers who, I think, have blogs worth checking out and learning from. Two blogs that have interviews with me:

http://www.successful-blog.com/1/interview-17-anita-bruzzese-on-45-things

http://www.quasifictionalviews.blogspot.com/

At the same time, I'd like to hear from anyone who is using a blog to further a career. What do you think is important to include on your blog, and what should you avoid? What advice could you offer to others about blogging?

Your handwriting

Bosses these days are struggling to read the writing of their employees, who often have horrible penmanship.

The problem is that many younger workers have come from schools where proper handwriting was a low priority, and they now rely solely on computers for their writing. Of course in the workplace today, many of these same workers still have to use their own handwriting for certain things, and that's where the trouble begins.

As one boss told me, she would rather work with an employee who has decent handwriting than one who does not. She explained that she simply does not have the time to try and decipher poor handwriting.

Decency at work

Visions of CEOs doing the "perp walk" as they are taken into federal court by stern-faced federal marshalls, front-page stories chronicling executives billion-dollar compensation packages and top managers traveling in corporate jets while hundreds of their workers are laid off are just some of the images that adversely impact the workplace these days.

Such images are demoralizing, of course. Most of us can't hope to make in our lifetimes what some of these executives earn in one day. Add to that the companies that are stingy with annual bonuses or raises, managers who routinely take all the credit for themselves and benefits constantly being trimmed back and it's no wonder we have a problem with ethics in the workplace these days.

Wouldn't it be nice, then, if these negative images were balanced by some everyday decencies on the job? What if instead of the bully manager -- who governs the workplace through bluster and profanity -- there was a boss who welcomed employees by name each day? What if the CEO showed up for the midnight shift and brought in pizza so that workers could take a break and talk to him about their concerns? What if a supervisor gave an employee an extra hour for lunch because the worker had been doing such a good job?

These may not seem like much in the face of rampant corporate executive misdeeds and greed, but companies have got to start somewhere and the answer may be that they begin with the small stuff. Or, as Steve Harrison says, these small decencies would become the "building blocks of an ethical culture."

Harrison, head of Lee Hecht Harrison and author of "The Manager's Book of Decencies," says that while regulatory actions such as Sarbanes-Oxley were supposed to restore investor confidence and increase accountability, some companies have been so "ham-fisted" with their responses to the regulations they've reminded us quite clearly that "regulations by themselves can't move the needle to create well-behaved companies."

While Harrison suggests numerous ways for companies and bosses to improve their decency factor, it's worth noting that one of the key improvements is for bosses at all levels to listen more to employees and quite hogging all the limelight and credit for themselves.

So, let's start listening. It's time the voices of those in the trenches be heard when it comes time to decide how best to create a decent place to work.

Some ideas:

* Be polite. This goes beyond just saying "please" and "thank you." Don't interrupt when someone else is talking, don't gossip and don't exclude anyone.

* Don't lie. Lying is a way of controlling and manipulating people and situations.

* Ask questions. By listening to what someone else has to offer, you continually learn -- and that's critical for companies striving to compete in a global marketplace.

* Don't blame. Look for solutions. Don't make personal attacks or criticize personal characteristics.

* Keep your word. It's not fair to say you'll do something and then not follow through.

* Communicate. Controlling information is a power play that demoralizes employees and leads to hostility.

The Bully at Work

I remember being the target of a bully when I was in elementary school. I remember everything about the girl...her name, how she used to catch me on the playground when I was jumping rope and make her nasty comments to me.

I can recall with equal clarity the time I was bullied on the job. I remember the continual stress of facing the man every day, the pitying looks from co-workers, the fact that I eventually left the job because I couldn't stand it any more.

Pamela Lutgen-Sandvick, an assistant professor of communication at the University of New Mexico and an expert on workplace bullying, says my recollections and feelings about being bullied are typical of others who have had similar experiences.
"It can remain really fresh in a person's mind for a long, long time," she says. "It's something you don't forget."

Further, she notes that workplace bullying is difficult to cope with "because our identities are inextricably linked to what we do," and bullies are striking at the heart of who we believe ourselves to be.

In her study of workplace bullying, Lutgen-Sandvick found that while bullying can take place anywhere, certain professions seem to have more incidents of the behavior. Included: government/public administration, health care and high-end restaurants.

According to research, both men and women can be bullies. “Bullying is a silent epidemic that affects one in six workers,” says Gary Namie, a workplace-bullying expert. “It is witnessed by nearly 80 percent of workers who don’t do anything about it. It’s a dirty little secret.”

Who is most likely to become the target of a bully? Namie says targets often have a strong sense of equity, justice and integrity and a very strong belief in what they believe to be right and wrong. Bullies are the opposite – they feel inadequate even though they strut around like peacocks. They are secretly intimidated by the target’s intelligence, creativity and confidence. In order to deal with what they perceive to be a threat, bullies begin spreading rumors and innuendo about the target and may try to sabotage work.

As Namie says, bullies often target the most talented in the workplace because “the dolts don’t threaten anybody.”

That’s why if you’re talented and creative and have been bullied once, chances are good it could happen again.

“The targets of bullies often are people who are strong and independent and talented and believe they can tough it out,” Namie says. “But once the bullying starts, most can only stay 16.5 months because it costs them their health.”

What are some behaviors that may prompt a bully to make you a target? Research shows that making statements where you put yourself down such as, “I’m bad with computers – I’m so dumb,” or “You guys should just go on without me because I’m no help and I’ll just slow you down,” put a bully on alert. At the same time, behaviors that may betray a lack of confidence such as talking too slow, (which allows a bully to interrupt) or too fast (betraying nervousness), also attract a bully’s notice.

The non-verbal cues also play a role: Bullies look for those who don’t walk confidently with head held high, or those who fail to use gestures to emphasize a point as if they’re afraid to call attention to themselves. Bullies also will test you by invading your personal space and seeing whether you put them back in their place.

Namie adds that bullies also are lazy and look for easy marks. That’s why they often will try their intimidation on new employees because they know the vulnerabilities that go along with being the new kid on the block. Still, research shows that some 75 percent of the workforce does not tolerate being controlled by another person, and a bully will back off when resistance is shown – even if it’s a new employee.

If you become the target of a bully, Namie says you should:
• Stop listening to the bully’s lies and verbal assaults. You did nothing wrong and don’t need to feel ashamed.
• Break through your fears. Even if you do it for only one week, it’s better to confront your worst fear and stand up to the bully. Procrastination only makes the problem worse.
• Assert your right to be treated with respect regardless of who you are and where you rank.
• Demand respect directly from the bully whenever you interact. You owe it to yourself.
• Document the bully’s misconduct. Report him/her to anyone who will listen. Break the silence.
• Rally witnesses and co-workers to help defend you, to shame the cowardly bully-tyrant.

Bullying – whether it happens when we’re kids or when we’re adults – can be very difficult. If you need help coping, don’t hesitate to ask for professional help. Your company’s employee assistance program (EAP) can offer resources, as well as community mental health organizations. Also, check out www.bullybusters.org for more strategies and information.